Don't Run With Scissors

Work is killing me. My eyes feel rough, and if I get to choose between a million dollars and sleeping, I definitely choose the million dollars. I’m tired, but still I’m not stupid.
I’ve just seen this video (freakin’ cool!) and as I’m so tired and I don’t want to write, I’ll post a bunch of funny pictures.

Time ago, when I was a young innocent kid man brave knight, the hashtag #geekpickuplines went on fire over Twitter. This is the result. Although many are blatantly stolen from other users, a bunch of these are mine. But who cares. Enjoy.

• I wish I were a derivative so that I could lie tangent to your curves.
• I’d like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.
• My name’s Vista, can I crash at your place tonight?
• if you’re a Nintendo DS, can I be your stylus?
• You must be a singularity because you’re gravity is pulling me towards your hole.
• - CSS? JavaScript?
  - Excuse me?
  - Sorry, just trying to figure out how you got such round curves.
• I’m like a Twitter server. It’s only a matter of time before I go down.
• Here’s one popup you can’t block.
• I’m developing a new make-out program. Would you like to join the beta test?
• Do you spit or google?
• DELETE FROM you WHERE itemType='Clothing';
• Nice weather we’re having here
• Can I "INSERT INTO You VALUES Me"?
• My firewire is enabled for you.
• Can I browse you? I have some cookies at my place.
• I totally rock at Guitar Hero.
• Where is your play button?
• I want to get dirty with your code.
• We are perfect for each other. You can’t see it right cause you are using IE.

There’s something I really like in this video. Since it doesn’t fit my delicate spanish blog, I dump it here. Enjoy.

Something is terribly wrong with TV nowadays.

Seriously. In movies like The Matrix we’ve already seen what the world could be if machines take it over. But wait a minute, stop, think about that.
No, seriously, STOP READING AND TAKE A MINUTE TO THINK. (Yes, I’m yelling to you, and you are still reading, take a fucking minute off and think about a world taken by computers and diverse machinery)
Now you have an idea (you didn’t stop reading, or did you, bastard? — whatever), let’s throw away crappy movies and random sci-fi. With a bit of common sense, we can deduce that, luck aside, one being rules over other because it’s more intelligent. Don’t forget that intelligence is -among other things- the capacity of reasoning, and thus acting intelligently means acting with certain (relevant) degree of cognition. A computer needs to be better than a human in many aspects to really be over him. For instance, a computer actually can screw a human playing chess. But it won’t be a match for him at kick boxing. But computers can’t do -now- a lot of things we do naturally better (feel, learn, have sex, etc). It will be a problem for us the day a computer starts behaving intelligently, because we’ll start loosing control over them. And we don’t want to loose control over other creatures. Specially those we created and are smarter than us! And this leads to the most important thing about machines: they are fast. So darn fast. Once they overpass our intelligence, it would be a matter of time until they do all that thinking faster than us.

Indeed: now we are able to develop a giant “computer brain”, but it’s still too early to get to the point where it paces faster than our brains, and of course it won’t be easy to pack in a “normal” earth creature size. But in a near future this will be possible. So, think of a robot the size of a big dog that thinks faster than you. As soon as this robots understand it would be better to evolve without humans (because it’s more efficient), we’ll be history. Those who have seen Animatrix know what I’m talking about. But it won’t be that sweet. And then you will wish you had a cable shoved up your ass into the back of your neck like in The Matrix. Because machines will be fast and precise. Forget those neat scenes of the movie where they searched for people and killed them gently, by using those fancy sentinels with a lot of tentacles and red eyes. Machines won’t care about their look, nor about the time your brain needs to understand what the heck is going on. They will kill us all, and they will do it fast.

You are wondering why I remark this fast thing, aren’t you? Well, it’s because I’ve just seen this video. Just replace the ball with your head, and imagine that machines will reach a gun’s trigger at the same speed those robot fingers move:

Setting robot traps

Once you realized we are so fucked up, you can start printing the following rules and stick them on every wall. This set of rules will trick bots and leave them doing an infinite loop (hence, you will find them staring frozen at the wall soon, probably heating up because of the processor intensive task).

Rules for robots:
1. Avoid infinite loops
2. Goto 1
3. Profit!!!

Downside:  If the robot has a better operating system than those used nowadays, this will hang only one of its processor or processing instances (or even not, if they can handle infinite loops somehow). Therefore, I suggest you to stay the hell away from them.
If you find a blender looking at your sign, feel free to hit it with anything. It won’t be dangerous unless its a industrial blender or a blender with a machine gun.

Do’s and don’ts

• Get out from the big cities, but don’t stay where you are visible from any angle. Try to go underground, so robots can’t track neither you nor your heat.
• Don’t try to be like Neo. You’ll get killed.
• If a crazy bald man offers you pills, don’t take them. They are drugs.
• Machines only fear two things: Windows and water. Use any of those things if you have some miliseconds of advantage.
• Don’t blog about the machines taking over the world. It’s too late, they will track back your IP and instruct your old computer to kill you.
• Stop doing the silly thing you do every moment of your life: don’t tweet what you’re doing. Machines will find you anyway, but it will be a bit harder for them.
• Don’t trust other humans until you see them bleed. You don’t know if there’s a robot behind that.
• Try to create a community of survivors (like Zion in The Matrix), but don’t go crazy with its size. If you are too many, you’ll be easy to find and get killed.
• Avoid electricity in any of its forms (specially lightnings). Robots can track the electricity usage with ease. You can get killed because of this too.
• Drink bottled water, but don’t make your bunker in a supermarket. It’s so predictable.
• That said, avoid common places (supermarkets, pharmacies, malls, etc), it’s the first place where robots will try to catch us.