Don't Run With Scissors

Something is terribly wrong with TV nowadays.

Seriously. In movies like The Matrix we’ve already seen what the world could be if machines take it over. But wait a minute, stop, think about that.
No, seriously, STOP READING AND TAKE A MINUTE TO THINK. (Yes, I’m yelling to you, and you are still reading, take a fucking minute off and think about a world taken by computers and diverse machinery)
Now you have an idea (you didn’t stop reading, or did you, bastard? — whatever), let’s throw away crappy movies and random sci-fi. With a bit of common sense, we can deduce that, luck aside, one being rules over other because it’s more intelligent. Don’t forget that intelligence is -among other things- the capacity of reasoning, and thus acting intelligently means acting with certain (relevant) degree of cognition. A computer needs to be better than a human in many aspects to really be over him. For instance, a computer actually can screw a human playing chess. But it won’t be a match for him at kick boxing. But computers can’t do -now- a lot of things we do naturally better (feel, learn, have sex, etc). It will be a problem for us the day a computer starts behaving intelligently, because we’ll start loosing control over them. And we don’t want to loose control over other creatures. Specially those we created and are smarter than us! And this leads to the most important thing about machines: they are fast. So darn fast. Once they overpass our intelligence, it would be a matter of time until they do all that thinking faster than us.

Indeed: now we are able to develop a giant “computer brain”, but it’s still too early to get to the point where it paces faster than our brains, and of course it won’t be easy to pack in a “normal” earth creature size. But in a near future this will be possible. So, think of a robot the size of a big dog that thinks faster than you. As soon as this robots understand it would be better to evolve without humans (because it’s more efficient), we’ll be history. Those who have seen Animatrix know what I’m talking about. But it won’t be that sweet. And then you will wish you had a cable shoved up your ass into the back of your neck like in The Matrix. Because machines will be fast and precise. Forget those neat scenes of the movie where they searched for people and killed them gently, by using those fancy sentinels with a lot of tentacles and red eyes. Machines won’t care about their look, nor about the time your brain needs to understand what the heck is going on. They will kill us all, and they will do it fast.

You are wondering why I remark this fast thing, aren’t you? Well, it’s because I’ve just seen this video. Just replace the ball with your head, and imagine that machines will reach a gun’s trigger at the same speed those robot fingers move:

Setting robot traps

Once you realized we are so fucked up, you can start printing the following rules and stick them on every wall. This set of rules will trick bots and leave them doing an infinite loop (hence, you will find them staring frozen at the wall soon, probably heating up because of the processor intensive task).

Rules for robots:
1. Avoid infinite loops
2. Goto 1
3. Profit!!!

Downside:  If the robot has a better operating system than those used nowadays, this will hang only one of its processor or processing instances (or even not, if they can handle infinite loops somehow). Therefore, I suggest you to stay the hell away from them.
If you find a blender looking at your sign, feel free to hit it with anything. It won’t be dangerous unless its a industrial blender or a blender with a machine gun.

Do’s and don’ts

• Get out from the big cities, but don’t stay where you are visible from any angle. Try to go underground, so robots can’t track neither you nor your heat.
• Don’t try to be like Neo. You’ll get killed.
• If a crazy bald man offers you pills, don’t take them. They are drugs.
• Machines only fear two things: Windows and water. Use any of those things if you have some miliseconds of advantage.
• Don’t blog about the machines taking over the world. It’s too late, they will track back your IP and instruct your old computer to kill you.
• Stop doing the silly thing you do every moment of your life: don’t tweet what you’re doing. Machines will find you anyway, but it will be a bit harder for them.
• Don’t trust other humans until you see them bleed. You don’t know if there’s a robot behind that.
• Try to create a community of survivors (like Zion in The Matrix), but don’t go crazy with its size. If you are too many, you’ll be easy to find and get killed.
• Avoid electricity in any of its forms (specially lightnings). Robots can track the electricity usage with ease. You can get killed because of this too.
• Drink bottled water, but don’t make your bunker in a supermarket. It’s so predictable.
• That said, avoid common places (supermarkets, pharmacies, malls, etc), it’s the first place where robots will try to catch us.

Today I started teaching again. Instead of a bunch of teenagers overwhelmed by their own hormones, this time my class was conformed by sweet lazy evil kids ranging 12-16. Contrary to what common sense dictates, this kids weren’t easier than my former students, and I felt like I was talking to a room full of autistic monkeys. Indeed, I think a random group of average monkeys could understand half what I’ve said better than this kids. Next saturday things will be different. I hope.

Procrastination is consuming me. I worked only an hour and half and a half, and the rest of the day I felt tired, burned. Is there any doctor in this room? Is it possible to be tired after talking almost completly for 90 minutes? If I talk 90 minutes, is there any chance of being mistaken by a tape? If I’m a tape, will you label me? And if I get to the next label level?

Valenzine complained about my imageless blog. You know, this is not a kids’ book, but I understand you. I know reading my blog is hard sometimes. So, well, to keep in touch with my scissory audience, I drew a fascinating doodle of myself:

This is me, pants down.

You can request drawings now. A house. A tree. A pink elephant. A dragon eating two chinese guards that were previously playing badmington in the top of a pointy japanese building. Go nuts.

Today was a heavy day. I was away from my computer till late evening, so when I got home, I needed to catch up a lot of mails, tweets, feeds, cookies and more. I wrote a mail (a really long mail) and it took me about two hours to finish it.  I discovered that my time projections are far from precise. But they are still useful for those who know the trick: you have to multiply by four. When I think something will take me half an hour, take for granted I’ll need two. The X4 factor, as I like to call it. Zim’s fucking time, as the rest of the world calls it too.

But I’m not here to talk about my awesome X4 factor nor about monkeys evolving into dolphins. I just wanted to write down to some extent my tiresomeness, so my fellow readers can waste time reading it. I’ll try to cover other interesting topics in the future, so you don’t get bored with the rants of the uncle Jimmy.

By the way, I know my english sucks as much as an argentinian politician, so you are invited to collaborate with my cognitive development (and enhance the already painful experience of my human readers).

So, first of all, I’ll say something even Michael Jackson can’t say:

I’m back, bitches

Now: I know many of you didn’t miss me.  Indeed, right now the blog has only three followers: me, a friend and probably me again from another place/account. But who cares. I’m back; it wasn’t enough to have a blog written in Spanish, one forgotten photoblog,  Tumblr, Flickr, Twitter, yoursistr, et cetera.
I hate welcome messages, hello world posts, politicians, and hip hop music. But most of all, I hate when I’m writing just because what I already wrote seems to be insufficient. Now move your eyeballs out of here, there’s nothing else to read.